Contact

My mouth tastes of Orange Juice and isolation as I sit and ponder on the future that massacres all comfortable pensivity.
My robust diffidence leaves me making conversations with myself to stay in company.
I'm once more surrounded, but still I find myself detached from verisimilitude.

I'm deaf blind and dumb.

I ache for conversation, but I don't know how to reach out,
How to disseminate,
How to communicate,
What to say.
For someone so conversant as I am inescapably speechless.

I need a friend here.
Not someone like Cameron with whom there is latent competition,
Not someone like Michael with whom there's nothing left to say,
And not some girl with whom I'll ache for a confirmation of my desirability.
I want to talk to someone, anyone, I need to know people here want me.
But all I get is an evasion.

Touch me.

All I need is contact.

I can't feel you...

I'm not alright.

Crash and burn

The embers crack and sizzle as they slowly die out in the fire that was my self-assurance. Once a towering inferno, dancing and boasting a strength and resolve unmatched and untouchable, it now sits, a lifeless mass of dirt and ash.

I’m scared.

I feel like a lump of coal being crushed and trying to hold up over a lifetime of dark solitude underground. Though the end result may be beauty. I’m beginning to question if the end is worth the means.

I’ve found a new game. I walk across campus with someone I’ve never met. It’s usually a beautiful woman or someone out of my league. I act like we’re in a fight and because of which we aren’t talking. I find it astounding that you can walk half a mile with someone and have them not even acknowledge you exist.

I’m beginning to thrive on that. The reticence has become my sanctuary.

Homework

The quiet hum of countless conversations in the student center stirs me from my mindles reading that is my metier.
Each person talking has a million things to be done but finds there not so quiet respite in the comfort of a listening ear.
Complaints of hard papers, excitement of new attractions.
This is life at its most unvarnished state.
I can't help but feel alone in the crowd. But there is a strange comfort in my isolated ocean.
I see people rushing around and I feel so safe and select.
Surrounded by strangers. Many. Nameless, faceless many.
I'm afraid I'm going to like it here.
I'm afraid I'mn going to find friends and then lose this sweet sweet complacency.
I'm alone but I'm never been safer.
In a legion of reasons this place is hell.

But I'm afraid of losing this heaven.

Die with me

I just want to die with you
let me drown into the placid blue ocean of your eye
and burn in the warmth of the incandescence in your hair
knock me out with the impetus of your sigh.

I just want to waste away with you
hold you tight while the world fades around us
wilt like the rose and wane like the moon
together we vanish into dust.

I just want to be with you
for us to grow old and one day be free
remain in eachothers periphery for all of our days
Bright Eyes all I ask is just remember me.

We're too sexy for our shirts

Blue hair is sexy.

New Glasses

I look like a mix between Buddy Holly and someone's grandpa. The polls are in... the new glasses are lame.

I should trust him

I'm not over her...
But that means nothing
Because she's not over him.

Taboo

For some reason in our group of friends it is unusual to talk about religion at all. but I don't care. I went to a testimony meeting today and this 75 year old woman went up and was crying about how she lost the person she loved and she felt like there was no reason for her to be breathing any longer. She then started to talk about how all she wanted was to go on a mission but she felt so broken because people over 70 weren't allowed to go anymore. She then called a general authority and found out that that rule was repealed and she told how happy she was that she could serve other people and that this one simple thing reminded her that she was loved no matter what happened and no matter how alone she felt.

I want all of my friends to know that I love my God. I am going to serve a mission and I can't wait. Everyone we know has a tendency of doing really stupid things and making other people mad at us or making us mad at ourselves. But there is something at play here that is greater than all of us. I for one am going to clean up... I want everyone else to know that I am doing it because I love the church. I am in no way saying that any of you are bad people or trying to make myself seem better than you, but I have found what makes me happy. I want my friends to be happy. I love all of you... even the ones I'm not talking to because of stupid overdramatic things that are happening.

For those of you that don't relate to anything I'm saying in talking about my love for God... I'm saying this to you the most. Whether or not you love God is irrelevant. HE LOVES YOU! None of you are too far gone to come back to Christ. I am asking you as a friend, if you won't make the right decisions for you... do the right thing for God because he loves you and wants the best for you. I don't want to preach here... but I see what people are doing and I want so much to let you know that there is a better way.

I love all of you so much. And no matter what happens to me... there will still be SOMEONE who loves you as well.

Alone Again.

I remember when Kristi's dad signed on and commented... we all dropped everything and rushed to her rescue. I almost wish something would go wrong so I would stop thinking I've got no one who'll come to MY rescue.

Back to you.

I have never related to John Mayer lyrics... not that he's not a great songwriter, I just have never related...

Until today...

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit ever game I play
But forgive me, love
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette

Should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you
Could not do

Leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
Leave the light on
For me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

We've Reached a Standstill

So... The New Headshot is In