Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Downpour

I've just realized that my life can only be described like a poor piece of art. The only way you know how to make it look good is to step back. And I am what I'm afraid of

Good from far... But far from good.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Stuck in a rut

For some reason I can't get over her...
I don't know what it is about her...
Maybe it's the way the Light glistened off her hair
(not that I have a thing for Red Heads or anything)
But even so... She's been in the back of my mind a lot lately.
I don't talk to her nearly as often as I like...
And I don't see her period
But there's just something about her that I can't let go of.
I shouldn't miss her as much as I do.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

We've given up.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Rose is Black and Wilting

This has been a really hard week for me. Thespian conference wasn't half of what I had thought. I hate to say that I didn't like it, but I didn't. And only a handful of people know what I really did for the competition and the work I really put forward because I did it for nothing.

(I'm not supposed to get into it)

I spent most of the trip by myself just thinking about how things are going wrong and how everything in my life has turned upside down. All my relationships with my friends are changing, and I don't like it. I was thinking about how things were a long time ago... when things were really hard but I wouldn't have it any other way. But not this time. This time things are hard, but not worth it.

I guess a lot of this came from a letter I got today. I saw some pictures that brought up some serious memories, tore open a few wounds, and made me miss a lot of things. But people have moved on, and I think it's finally my turn.

I miss her like crazy, but I can't let anyone know. I want to be her best friend still, but it's just so hard. I want her back. But I can't have her, because she's on to bigger and better things and I just have to let her go. All I have to do now is keep reminding myself.

I just have to let her go.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Coolest Couple.... EVER

So we go to "The Malte Shop" in Provo... Me and Jenesse are hanging out while Chase, Mette, Sousa, Tasha, and Emily are enjoying the car wash and this crazy couple keeps talking to me about how I chose good music on the jukebox. We got to talking to him and he was the freaking coolest. So then the rest of the "funky Bunch" comes filing in and we're talking to the guy and he was giving us some of his onion rings and stuff... this guy was the stud to end all studs and so he tells us that he was playing at acoustic night at a club and that he proposed to the girl he was on a date with. He said he didn't have a ring and he hadn't asked her father or anything yet. So we made him put an onion ring on her finger, and then we started a song on the jukebox and announced to everyone that that it was for the recently engaged and made them dance... we finished up and left, but then went back and gave them addresses and such to make sure they invite us to their wedding... they swore they would.

It was freaking awesome

Sunday, July 03, 2005

State of Confusion

Originally uploaded by Lemoox.
I'm coming upon crossroads everywhere in my life, new jobs, people leaving, old friends drifting further and further away. I feel like I'm missing out on opportunities all around, but the changes that ARE happening in my life, I don't want to accept. I just feel left in the dust as my life drives off without me. I'm trying to just stay as busy as possible, but I still find myself with too much time alone... pondering on things that are probably way over my head. I don't know what I want to do with myself.

I know I'm not alone, but still, somehow I have this undeniable sense of despondence. I just need someone to talk to, I need that one person who knows exactly what to say. I'm acting way too pessimistic about all of this though. I mean, perhaps I am losing the life in which I have found comfort and solace, but who knows where the new trail that has been opened to me will lead?

You may be wondering why I chose the picture that I did. It is simply because...everyone is afraid of their perfect rose wilting. They dread the fall of that one final petal that proves that what they had is lost. But through the loss of all of our old comforts and the beauties of our lives, the path that leads to our new life, our new solace, is clad with a beautiful array of rose petals, waiting for us to journey further into our life which we will miss one day as well, it isn't easy... but hopefully, it's worth it

I hope...

Monday, May 23, 2005


This is me being bored in my pointless swim class, listening to sad songs and waltzes, generally just wallowing. I hate that it's me that's going to be me that has to deal with the retarded coach next year... but i shouldn't insult. it's wrong to make fun of retards. The swim team is working on writing a song called "the bobble head must die" I'll keep you all posted when it is finished. It will be a grand thing. I'm happy lately, but frustrated People are retarded. No one can ever just accept being happy, i mean really, is it THAT much of a chore to be joyos for once in your life? Forget it, i'm done ranting, i just thought i should post.

Saturday, April 09, 2005


I want to put something new on my blog but i don't know what to say... things are just confusing for me now and i don't know how to react to anything that happens to me. My life has comepletely turned around and I'm still trying to figure out how i feel about that. I miss reading e-mails. I don't think i've gotten an e-mail for a couple of years. But oh well. I wouldn't say I'm depressed. But I suppose I'm melecholy. I wish I could talk to someone. But no one can talk to me anymore. For some reason i'm on like a "hi-Bye" status with everyone but mike and jenesse and it's driving me crazy. oh well... done ranting


Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Big ones!!!!

breast implants!

what's YOUR deepest secret?
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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Method to my madness

Tear Drop
Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
There are two categories of sadness, intrinsic, and extrinsic. Within those categories there are is all manor of sadness, but for our purposes, we will make this single distinction.

Intrinsic sadness is sadness from within. It typically presents itself in a clinical sense as depression. It is pain without cause. It is without beginning or ending. It is sea you fall into without shore. In a physiological sense, it's misfiring (or not firing) neurotransmitters; typically a deficit in serotonin. Research suggests that a serious deficit of this type rarely rights itself without proper medical intervention. Intrinsic sadness is the stuff I feel 95% of life in varying degrees. Luckily most normal folk will only experience very limited intrinsic sadness.

Extrinsic sadness is the type we're all familiar with. It's the type you feel when you hate your job, feel trapped by in a school you hate, or find out someone you love has died. It is defined as extrinsic because it has an external source. There is something you can point to and say, that it what's causing my sadness. This type of sadness is a relief for me, because it means there is actually something I can do about it. Don't like your job? Get a new one. Swamped in school? Take a break. Your father just died? Time will heal that wound. You can change your external factors. You can change your perspective. You have control over that which saddens you.

There is actually a danger that extrinsic sadness will turn into intrinsic sadness. There is evidence to suggest that if a person dwells too long in a sadness, no matter how external the source, it can actually lead to full blown depression.

This fundamental difference is what people do not understand about depression. Depression has no external cause. If I am notably sad, the question someone will always ask me is why. When I tell them there is no reason, that the sadness is intrinsic, they look at me with disbelief. People are looking for logical causes. It's human nature. The logical answer is, I'm sick. I know I'm sick in a way you don't understand, but that doesn't make it not true.

It is also true that people don't seem to want to take responsibility for making their own happiness. I'm an extreme example of course, but my life is crafted to defeat sadness. Of course, I have far too many strikes against me so it doesn't really work, but your average person has no such excuse. Yes, there will also be choices that suck, and potholes you can't avoid, but happiness is there, waiting for you. It's practically holding the door open for you. You can't see it, but I can. I can see your smile. You think you've lost it, but really you've just misplaced it. If life had a desire, it would be for you to be happy. Sadness isn't a natural state of being, it's a detour. We all take them, but then we get back.

But none the less I can't help but feel a hopelessness to it all. I'm fighting for reason to look up to things, but recent turns of events have lead me to be beleive that I am alone in fighting for something that should come naturally. As I have sadi millions of times before... I think too much. I just hjope that me ranting about what my sorrow means to me will make me feel better

Monday, February 21, 2005


Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
I've found thoudands of songs that speak to me.. that define me and mae me feel like I'm not the only one in the world feeling the way I do.

I've been thinking far too much lately. all of this thought instead of giving me comfort and solace, has left me despondant.

But this is the first time I found a picture that I feel at home with. I reate to this fake character more than I have to any person in the world, I don't know who they are or where they are from. But they wear the same face I show when no one is around.

When I look into those eyes, although not real, they speak to me. This person is alone, cold, and has a heartshattering longing for someone who he loves.

But there is hope. If you loke at the lips long enough, they start to turn upward to smile. although the eyes are sad and deep, there is a flicker of hope.

To Sara: I love you. You are my flicker of hope behind my downpour of doubt. You are one of the few things keeping me warm in my thoughts of uncertainanty and melecholy.

Remember me


Monday, February 14, 2005


Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
So I cried in Seminary today... but not like a good cry. I mean it started out as one of those awesome spiritual cries.. but then it escalated into thinking of people I miss and then problems and stuff... and I realized that I haven't let stuff like out ever.

I wouldn't have cried over it because I'm just not made that way... I can't cry unless I'm onstage. But I think the fact that I was already crying made it escalate. I eventually had to excuse myself and said I had to go to the bathroom... which was a lie but I'm willing to live with that...

It's been too long since I went swimming. I have way too much tension to get out and it think I'm going to explode under the pressure like a soda can that been shaken for too long. I'd like to say I feel relieved and calmed down... but I think it hurt more than helped. I think too much and I think all the friction I'm putting on myself is burning a hole. I just need someone to scream with, but everyone has their own things they need to scream about.

I don't want to type too much because then no one will read it... and I'm not sure I want people to read this... but I'll live with it. I feel like I could go on for hours about all the things that are coursing through my mind. But no worries... I don't plan on it.

I guess it's out of my system

I hope....

Sunday, February 13, 2005

I don't know how I speak about this

You are Andrew Clark. You're very popular and a
talented wrestler. Everyone calls you Sporto
and when on the mats is afraid to against you.
You are trying very hard to get a scholarship
to please your parents, mostly your dad. You're
a very nice person but not to those that
threaten you.

What character are from the hit 80s movie, The Breakfast club?
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Thursday, February 10, 2005

Just Thinking

Underwater tear
Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
I think too much.... I'm begining to think I'm growing to be self concious... which I don't like. Also I am fed up with saying things I can't take back... so I'm going to talk less. So with me over complicating and oververbalizing everything...

I think too much...
and I talk too much

Saturday, February 05, 2005

(off the subject) STATE WAS AWESOME!!!!!!

Paranoid:Very High
Schizotypal:Very High
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Very High
Narcissistic:Very High
Avoidant:Very High
Dependent:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Saturday, January 29, 2005

What I REALLY learned from Thesp. Conf.

So this is what thespian conference TRULY taught me.

• Apparently I have a thing for red heads. And I can’t deny it.

• I miss Sara more than I thought I did.

• Staging an ask out is more fun than asking someone out ANY day.

• People of Mountain View are more easily fooled than I had ever expected.

• There is NO wrong time to go bowling.

• People who wear prom dresses to a dinner are weird.

• Prom dresses get pretty freaking skanky outside of happy valley

• People need to pay attention to their OWN love lives (me included)

• Anyone who doesn’t act is the nerd… we’re the normal ones (shifty eyes)

• Chris can jump further than anyone I have met in my life.

• Mountain View’s drama dept. in comparison… is a lot better than I thought it was.

• I miss Sara… still…

• No one in Utah really knows how I react to girls. (well maybe Scott)

• It’s weird that the only person who would laugh along with my phony girl escapades is Mike… and he’s a billion miles away

I miss Sara… still… a LOT…

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

It strikes me close

My family has lost 5 members due to the catastrophe in Asia. They weren't really close members so I didn't know them very well. But now I don't even have the chance. Now I realize that when people post songs on this peope don't usually read them (at least I don't) but when i heard this song I couldn't help but have tears come to my eyes. the Ironic thing is, this song came out like 5 years ago. but still appease me and take a look at it.

"The News"

A billion people died on the news tonight
But not so many cried at the terrible sight
Well mama said
It's just make believe
You can't believe everything you see
So baby close your eyes to the lullabies
On the news tonight

Who's the one to decide that it would be alright
To put the music behind the news tonight
Well mama said
You can't believe everything you hear
The diagetic world is so unclear
So baby close your ears
On the news tonight
On the news tonight

The unobtrusive tones on the news tonight
And mama said

Why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die?
At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
Mama said
It's just make believe
You cant believe everything you see
So baby close your eyes to the lullabies
On the news tonight

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Si Senior

Pedro Sanchez

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
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Saturday, January 15, 2005

Recent turn of events

So... it has been brought to my attention that I am a "very depressed individual" now, this completely caught me off guard, but so far, everyone i've spoken to about this seems to completely agree. So now I turn to you bloggers. You who have heard me rant on and on about days that have passed. Am I really a person who sees the glass as half empty? Because apparently I don't know.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I don't want to lose control

I've learned in the last couple of days that I am not willing ot accept change. I realize that everyone wants out of Utah as soon as possible, except for the canadians who can't wait to get in and take our place. But I just don't know. The one person who I want to hear this the most isn't ever going to read it because she has turned her back on this whole electronic world. But I for one am NOT ready to leave everything behind me. I mean sure, Things aren't perfect. but for once in my life, I'm happy with where I'm at... I guess I just don't want to lose that. I'm not afraid of change. I'm afraid that I can't control it.

I miss Mike and Sara... And Shamae, and Lance and Anthony, and Gaspar, and those countless other people who have left me stranded here in this desert wasteland. I'm not worried about growing up, in fact I embrace it. But I AM worried about loss. With Mike and Sara in Canada, and Jenesse perhaps going to Ireland for school, Brittany to S.U.U. and coutless other friends leaving. I'm afraid that when I get back from my mission i will find myself...




And abandoned.

Yeah I'm happy, but this crand new skin is wearing thin. And no one will ever know until it's gone. I heard a song today. and I miss the old days when we didn't have to worry about change or losing friends. I hate not being in control of my environment, I always have. And I've realized I have no say in an of this...

And it scares me to death.

Monday, January 10, 2005

This was.......... Unexpectd. I say it's wrong.

I AM 73% EMO!
73% EMO
Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Fetch... Yes...