Thursday, February 24, 2005

Method to my madness

Tear Drop
Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
There are two categories of sadness, intrinsic, and extrinsic. Within those categories there are is all manor of sadness, but for our purposes, we will make this single distinction.

Intrinsic sadness is sadness from within. It typically presents itself in a clinical sense as depression. It is pain without cause. It is without beginning or ending. It is sea you fall into without shore. In a physiological sense, it's misfiring (or not firing) neurotransmitters; typically a deficit in serotonin. Research suggests that a serious deficit of this type rarely rights itself without proper medical intervention. Intrinsic sadness is the stuff I feel 95% of life in varying degrees. Luckily most normal folk will only experience very limited intrinsic sadness.

Extrinsic sadness is the type we're all familiar with. It's the type you feel when you hate your job, feel trapped by in a school you hate, or find out someone you love has died. It is defined as extrinsic because it has an external source. There is something you can point to and say, that it what's causing my sadness. This type of sadness is a relief for me, because it means there is actually something I can do about it. Don't like your job? Get a new one. Swamped in school? Take a break. Your father just died? Time will heal that wound. You can change your external factors. You can change your perspective. You have control over that which saddens you.

There is actually a danger that extrinsic sadness will turn into intrinsic sadness. There is evidence to suggest that if a person dwells too long in a sadness, no matter how external the source, it can actually lead to full blown depression.

This fundamental difference is what people do not understand about depression. Depression has no external cause. If I am notably sad, the question someone will always ask me is why. When I tell them there is no reason, that the sadness is intrinsic, they look at me with disbelief. People are looking for logical causes. It's human nature. The logical answer is, I'm sick. I know I'm sick in a way you don't understand, but that doesn't make it not true.

It is also true that people don't seem to want to take responsibility for making their own happiness. I'm an extreme example of course, but my life is crafted to defeat sadness. Of course, I have far too many strikes against me so it doesn't really work, but your average person has no such excuse. Yes, there will also be choices that suck, and potholes you can't avoid, but happiness is there, waiting for you. It's practically holding the door open for you. You can't see it, but I can. I can see your smile. You think you've lost it, but really you've just misplaced it. If life had a desire, it would be for you to be happy. Sadness isn't a natural state of being, it's a detour. We all take them, but then we get back.

But none the less I can't help but feel a hopelessness to it all. I'm fighting for reason to look up to things, but recent turns of events have lead me to be beleive that I am alone in fighting for something that should come naturally. As I have sadi millions of times before... I think too much. I just hjope that me ranting about what my sorrow means to me will make me feel better

Monday, February 21, 2005


Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
I've found thoudands of songs that speak to me.. that define me and mae me feel like I'm not the only one in the world feeling the way I do.

I've been thinking far too much lately. all of this thought instead of giving me comfort and solace, has left me despondant.

But this is the first time I found a picture that I feel at home with. I reate to this fake character more than I have to any person in the world, I don't know who they are or where they are from. But they wear the same face I show when no one is around.

When I look into those eyes, although not real, they speak to me. This person is alone, cold, and has a heartshattering longing for someone who he loves.

But there is hope. If you loke at the lips long enough, they start to turn upward to smile. although the eyes are sad and deep, there is a flicker of hope.

To Sara: I love you. You are my flicker of hope behind my downpour of doubt. You are one of the few things keeping me warm in my thoughts of uncertainanty and melecholy.

Remember me


Monday, February 14, 2005


Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
So I cried in Seminary today... but not like a good cry. I mean it started out as one of those awesome spiritual cries.. but then it escalated into thinking of people I miss and then problems and stuff... and I realized that I haven't let stuff like out ever.

I wouldn't have cried over it because I'm just not made that way... I can't cry unless I'm onstage. But I think the fact that I was already crying made it escalate. I eventually had to excuse myself and said I had to go to the bathroom... which was a lie but I'm willing to live with that...

It's been too long since I went swimming. I have way too much tension to get out and it think I'm going to explode under the pressure like a soda can that been shaken for too long. I'd like to say I feel relieved and calmed down... but I think it hurt more than helped. I think too much and I think all the friction I'm putting on myself is burning a hole. I just need someone to scream with, but everyone has their own things they need to scream about.

I don't want to type too much because then no one will read it... and I'm not sure I want people to read this... but I'll live with it. I feel like I could go on for hours about all the things that are coursing through my mind. But no worries... I don't plan on it.

I guess it's out of my system

I hope....

Sunday, February 13, 2005

I don't know how I speak about this

You are Andrew Clark. You're very popular and a
talented wrestler. Everyone calls you Sporto
and when on the mats is afraid to against you.
You are trying very hard to get a scholarship
to please your parents, mostly your dad. You're
a very nice person but not to those that
threaten you.

What character are from the hit 80s movie, The Breakfast club?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Just Thinking

Underwater tear
Originally uploaded by just call me hot.
I think too much.... I'm begining to think I'm growing to be self concious... which I don't like. Also I am fed up with saying things I can't take back... so I'm going to talk less. So with me over complicating and oververbalizing everything...

I think too much...
and I talk too much

Saturday, February 05, 2005

(off the subject) STATE WAS AWESOME!!!!!!

Paranoid:Very High
Schizotypal:Very High
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Very High
Narcissistic:Very High
Avoidant:Very High
Dependent:Very High

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