The Ghost of a Good Thing by Dashboard Confessional

I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said
“Love is like a role that we play.”

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts

I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said
“Love is like a role that we play.”

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren’t meant for this
No, they weren’t meant for this

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren’t meant for this

Chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away, away, away, away from you again

Chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts...

Song of the Day:

Scars
by Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel...

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause I channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shoulda' never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel...

I hurt myself today...

No, I'm not going to write a song. I actually hurt myself, bad. We had a big championship meet, and all of my friends were there from other teams. I did something wrong, and the next thing I know I couldn't move my left arm and seering pain burned through me. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Because of this accident I'm not the fastest backstroker in the region anymore. I feel like I'm starting over, as the slow swimmer who people clap for coming in because he's so far behind everyone else.

I lost my event, my title, my time, but most importantly... my pride. People gave me crap about being the skinny kid or whatever, but it doesn't change the fact that people would come up against me and lose. I couldn't do a whole lot of things better than anyone else, but this was my niche, my sport, my PASSION. I left everything in the water and I got everything back.

But it's different now.

I don't know where I am supposed to be. If I'm not a swimmer then I suppose I'm an actor, but I was ALWAYS the athlete of the drama department, it's all that sets me apart from anyone else. And when it comes to acting... I was never great. Never got the leads in any plays, never got on any of the competing teams I wanted. I was always walking in someones shadow, But in the water I shone.

But I've lost it. I can't swim backstroke anymore, and I'm beginning to think it's all I could do. I have to go see doctors which means more "tilt tests" and monitors. I hate hospitals, it reminds me of my accident when I was little, when I was told that I couldn't walk for at least a year. Do you have any idea how hard it is to learn how to walk that late in life. And because of the accident I couldn't do land sports... But now I can't swim either.

Theres nothing left.

It's not fair that I put forth all of that effort to be as good as I was, just to have it stripped from me with 1 false stroke.
I was the best, untouchable. But now I'm at the bottom of the ladder again. I don't want to be slow, I don't want to fall behind and work my way up. Is any of it worth it? Suppose I work my way back up and become the best again, Who's to say I don't hurt myself again and lose it all.

I had a future. Colleges. Scholarships. Championships. there was no telling how far I could have gone. I was finally good at something. But Like I said. It's different now.

I don't know where I belong.

Doug

Now...its just not possible to mention one brother without mentioning the other, in my case. I can't talk about how one is my hero and leave the other one out. That just doesn't happen. Because, I love my other brother just as much and regard him as a hero too.

Doug is eight years older than me. That is quite a gap, but he has never looked down on me for it. It did interfer with our relationship in the earlier years, because he didn't want to play with his extremely immature sister. We were much too different and there was just this enormous breach between us.

But as years went on, we slowly overcame this obstacle. He has been such a good friend to me. He and I think way to much alike sometimes. We get these devilish ideas or plots and because both of us are so mischevious, they get carried out with swift accuracy. We are always insane when we are put in the same room as each other. We just can't hold back the wild chilren inside of us. We make up words and languages named "Jenesshish" and "Douglashish" and such. We screw up our sentences beyond any semblance of recognition, yet somehow the other understood perfectly and are even able to respond. And the responses sometimes don't make sense either, but we know what we're talking about, and that's all that matters.

Both of us have loved to read since we were very young. We both had vocabularies of around 70-80 words at the age of a few months. He has always been the one that I could go to and ask for an opinion on a certain book, if it was worth my time or not. He has introduced me to some of the most fantastic worlds through our reading. Yes, I have been a little more adventurous in my exploring, and have ventured places that he scoffs at, but he still respects my well-roundedness because of it.

Also, he has always included me in his adventures into composing music. He is always eager to show me what he has written since the last time I saw him, even if he had only written a measure or two. He wants my opinion and feels if I disapprove, its just not good enough, and he will rewrite it. He even once said to me "I won't marry any girl you don't approve of." I laughed at him, but he was completely serious! He really valued my opinion and was willing to sacrifice so much because of it.

He also gave me my love of the cinema. Devin gave me my love of making movies, but Doug gave me my love of just sitting down and enjoying a well-made movie. We have been "movie-buddies" for as long as I can remember. We get excited over the thrill and anticipation of seeing a movie first, before anyone else. We download countdowns on the computer, we put up posters all over the house, and we quote trailers line for line, until we finally see that movie. Then, we quote the entire movie, line for line, until our family and friends are so sick of us not making any sense, that they shun us.

Doug has been such a sturdy person in my life. He is a bit obsessive-compulsive when it comes to cleaning his room (he alphabetizes his c.d.'s...and he has over 100!!!), and he may become a bit stressed and not too fun to be around when he is going to school, but he is so stable. I can depend on him for almost anything. I say almost anything because he IS married now and he has other priorities...but that means so much to me. I despise being abandoned and feeling like I am unimportant. He tries his best to make me feel needed, and when I am with him, I feel like nothing can go wrong!

Doug is also like a father to me. He holds my hand in a huge crowd so I won't get lost. He makes sure my dates treat me right or he threatens to beat the crap out of them. He makes sure I am feeling alright, and he takes time whenever possible to touch bases with me and get a Jenesse-update.

Devin may be my knight in shining armor, but Doug is the trusty side-kick who is always there to pull us BOTH out of a jam. He is my strength, my partner in crime, and the person who I can share my love of learning with.

Doug is a hero in my life...

Devin

I wanted to enter this writing contest that a local newspaper was having. The theme was "A hero in my life..." But, due to unfortunate events of late, I haven't had anytime to write anything...and the submissions are due...well...in about 8 hours. And I don't work all that well under pressure. I would much rather write something that I don't care if its good or not, just something from the heart. So, here I am at the blog, writing about a hero in my life.

Since the day I was born, I have looked up to my brother Devin. And no...its not just the fact that he has always been taller than me....I mean, I have regarded him as my perfect example. Someone to look at when I am at a loss as what to do in sticky situations, to emulate what they would do. He has always been the one that I go crying to when things just aren't going my way. But the amazing thing is that he always made it better. I don't know how, and I don't remember most of what he said, but I always left him feeling like I was the most precious and amazing thing in the world. So, nothing else mattered. And nothing was really as bad as it had seemed.

Now, don't get me wrong, we didn't always get along. We had our tiffs like all brothers and sisters do, but they never lasted long. I think the longest I was ever mad at him was 20 minutes. He may have been mad at me a little longer than that, but it wasn't by much. And if an outsider had looked at my brother, they would have thought "Why on earth does this little impressionable girl use this rebellious punk as a role model?"

I think it was the very fact that he wasn't perfect, and made some huge mistakes, that made me admire him so much. It was the fact that he overcame these gigantic obstacles and pushed himself to redemption that I looked up to him so much. He has truly been through some of the biggest challenges that we, as humans, can face. And he is so strong because of it. I love that about him. His inner strength. He is incredibly strong and he let's me borrow some of his strength when I am in need.

Also, he may seem large and intimidating, but he is one of the most caring, lovable, and empathetic people I know. He loves to give hugs. And I know that he really loves me, because sometimes he just can't let go. He doesn't want to leave my side. He wants to be there every step of the way. He wants to see me grow and learn. He is more like my dad than my dad is! He understands everything. Even things that guys shouldn't be able to understand. (I don't know how he does....but I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. And I'm sure not going to ask him!) When I am hurting, he hurts too. We are so close and understand each other so well, that sometimes we don't even need to speak to know what the other person is feeling or trying to say.

Another thing that I love about him is the fact that he can turn anything into a joke. You could have singed your eyebrows off and looked like a baboon, but he would somehow make you laugh about it. And suddenly, the world is a much brighter place. When Devin walks into a room, you can't miss it. Whether it is his girly scream, or his prancing/skipping gait, or his contagious laughter, you will definately know that the fun has arrived.

But he isn't all just fun and games. He has one of the most serious sides of anyone I know or have ever met. He can be very sobering. He will be talking about the gospel or life's trials or even a really bad haircut he just got, and he gets this regal/wise voice. Its almost like a mage is speaking through him, and if you ask him to tell you the secrets to the whole universe, he can and will.

There are many multi-faceted sides that I could tell you about my brother, but frankly, there is no way I could help you understand him. You would just have to meet him to know. But I can tell you this. He is my hero, my knight in shining armor, my lighthouse in the storm, but most importantly...he is my best friend and brother.

Devin is a hero in my life...

~Rain~

There is nothing in the world more therapeutic than the rain. Absolutely nothing. It is so cleansing and refreshing. When you stand out in the rain, its almost like you are being reborn in a way. It is a time when you can forget everything else in the world, all your sorrows and hardships, and can just....exist in the moment. For a time, nothing else matters. You are one with the water droplets and wind and clouds. The trickling and splattering of the rain on the sidewalks and grass diverts your attention away from the lingering, troubled thoughts. You can allow yourself to be entranced by the soothing sound and let all the tension from your muscles flow out of your fingertips. When you are finally to a stage of complete relaxation, you can let your imagination take over and be anyone or anywhere. You can be in a state of perfection.

Anything can happen in this other world. People you love that are gone can return again. People that you have always wanted to be friends with but have never gotten up the courage to speak to, are suddenly there taking you by the hand and leading you on an adventure of a lifetime. People that once were your friend but betrayed you, yet you miss them so much, are there telling you its okay and promising they will never going to hurt you again. You can love yourself for who you are, and not be afraid of what other people will think. You don't have to be so torn about where you are suppose to live, or what will happen when you leave those you care about. You don't have to be constantly counting down the days, waiting for life to improve a little. You won't feel left out and looked down on. You won't harbor so much hatred for people who are everything you ever wanted to be because you realize that your life is exactly what you need, and you are finally thankful for it. The people who attempt to control everyone's lives and make a point to destroy your own happiness when they don't get what they want, won't exist any longer. They are simply erased from the face of the world. The ones we love who allow themselves to be controlled by those people so much so, to the point of hurting you and then blaming you for it, are suddenly in control. They know who they are, and what they want, and they don't have to say what they think people want to hear.

All these things and more can happen when we let the rain wash over us. Our dreams have room to grow and blossom into a kind of reality. We can find our hope again. We can renew our faith. We can believe that life is worth living, and find gratitude for, not only the good times, but also the bad.

The rain gives us a time to collect ourselves and to renew our sense of who we are and where we want to end up. It is inspiring, it is intriguing, it is ethereal, and it is pure. It is heaven's way of crying with us. It is heaven's way of celebrating. It is God's way of letting us know that He's there, and He is listening and He loves us.

In the end, it still hurts...

People say that they understand, and that they know exactly how you feel. They say they're sorry, and ask if there is anything they can do to help. They say that they know how it feels to miss someone, and that you aren't the only one who has lost someone they loved. They say that they will be there for you, but they just don't realize that they aren't the one you want to be there comforting you. The one you miss is the only one who can help, but they aren't ever coming back. No one knows what it is like to really miss someone...

No one could possibly understand my pain. I truly am "walking down the boulevard of broken dreams." And I truly am "walking alone." There were so many things left to do, to experience. There were so many things left unsaid. There were so many dreams brutally battered, and the light of my hope was stamped out. Yes, other people have had losses as extreme as mine, but every situation is just a little bit different from the rest. Every person reacts just a little bit different. Every person has a different amount of capacity to deal with the loss. Some people, it completely breaks. Others, it strengthens. I wish so much that I could be one of those who finds greater strength from this.

Yet, I break down every time I see a picture, his face...or something else that reminds me of him. Every time someone mentions him, I want to put my fist through a mirror, because he's not here, by my side. I try so hard not to let it show. People really don't know how much I am breaking inside. I know he's better off, and much happier now, but I just don't want to let go. Because he was my stable ground, my guiding light, my beacon of hope for something better.

I see now that I took him for granted. I see now that I wasn't as good to him as I could have been. I was stupid, and selfish, and said things that hurt. But I also know that I made him happy. That I helped him feel that life was worth living. How do I know this? He showed me every day. His eyes would light up every time he saw me, he would smile and genuinely mean it, he didn't feel self-hatred and pity anymore. He had confidence, and was finally taking control of his life.

Yet, that's when everything went wrong. Why do we fall every time we finally feel like we are making progress? Why are we forced to take five steps back for every one step forward? I know the answer well, (he was even the one who did the most to help me understand it-another thing I miss...) and it is simple. Because we are being put through the fiery furnace to perfect ourselves. We cannot be made better and stronger by not having any opposing force in life. We can't learn what it is like to be godlike without experiencing a small portion of what He went through. We cannot expect to "glide naively through life, as if to say, Lord give me experience, but not grief, sorrow, pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences that made Thee what Thou art. Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy." -Neal A. Maxwell. I have learned this lesson a thousand times over.

Yet...in the end, it still hurts.

In the end... it's still in the back of my mind

It's hard for me to get lost in her eyes when I know it's just a picture.
I'm missing her... I'm missing us
What we were and could be
If I could see her face... her real face...
The way her eyes light up on every smile
The way she blushes after every sneeze because she's embarrassed.
It's all I need.

I have to tell myself that I don't know where this is going,
That there are too many questions unasked and unanswered.
But that's almost what I love about it... about her.
The mystery, the questions, the wondering amazement.

I can't stand the thousands of miles between us
I hate every one of them.
I can't be aweay from this for this long.

Two weeks is too long...

Two seconds is too long