Stuck in a rut

For some reason I can't get over her...
I don't know what it is about her...
Maybe it's the way the Light glistened off her hair
(not that I have a thing for Red Heads or anything)
But even so... She's been in the back of my mind a lot lately.
I don't talk to her nearly as often as I like...
And I don't see her period
But there's just something about her that I can't let go of.
I shouldn't miss her as much as I do.

We've given up.

The Rose is Black and Wilting

This has been a really hard week for me. Thespian conference wasn't half of what I had thought. I hate to say that I didn't like it, but I didn't. And only a handful of people know what I really did for the competition and the work I really put forward because I did it for nothing.

(I'm not supposed to get into it)

I spent most of the trip by myself just thinking about how things are going wrong and how everything in my life has turned upside down. All my relationships with my friends are changing, and I don't like it. I was thinking about how things were a long time ago... when things were really hard but I wouldn't have it any other way. But not this time. This time things are hard, but not worth it.

I guess a lot of this came from a letter I got today. I saw some pictures that brought up some serious memories, tore open a few wounds, and made me miss a lot of things. But people have moved on, and I think it's finally my turn.

I miss her like crazy, but I can't let anyone know. I want to be her best friend still, but it's just so hard. I want her back. But I can't have her, because she's on to bigger and better things and I just have to let her go. All I have to do now is keep reminding myself.

I just have to let her go.

Coolest Couple.... EVER

So we go to "The Malte Shop" in Provo... Me and Jenesse are hanging out while Chase, Mette, Sousa, Tasha, and Emily are enjoying the car wash and this crazy couple keeps talking to me about how I chose good music on the jukebox. We got to talking to him and he was the freaking coolest. So then the rest of the "funky Bunch" comes filing in and we're talking to the guy and he was giving us some of his onion rings and stuff... this guy was the stud to end all studs and so he tells us that he was playing at acoustic night at a club and that he proposed to the girl he was on a date with. He said he didn't have a ring and he hadn't asked her father or anything yet. So we made him put an onion ring on her finger, and then we started a song on the jukebox and announced to everyone that that it was for the recently engaged and made them dance... we finished up and left, but then went back and gave them addresses and such to make sure they invite us to their wedding... they swore they would.


It was freaking awesome

State of Confusion

IMG_1540
Originally uploaded by Lemoox.

I'm coming upon crossroads everywhere in my life, new jobs, people leaving, old friends drifting further and further away. I feel like I'm missing out on opportunities all around, but the changes that ARE happening in my life, I don't want to accept. I just feel left in the dust as my life drives off without me. I'm trying to just stay as busy as possible, but I still find myself with too much time alone... pondering on things that are probably way over my head. I don't know what I want to do with myself.

I know I'm not alone, but still, somehow I have this undeniable sense of despondence. I just need someone to talk to, I need that one person who knows exactly what to say. I'm acting way too pessimistic about all of this though. I mean, perhaps I am losing the life in which I have found comfort and solace, but who knows where the new trail that has been opened to me will lead?

You may be wondering why I chose the picture that I did. It is simply because...everyone is afraid of their perfect rose wilting. They dread the fall of that one final petal that proves that what they had is lost. But through the loss of all of our old comforts and the beauties of our lives, the path that leads to our new life, our new solace, is clad with a beautiful array of rose petals, waiting for us to journey further into our life which we will miss one day as well, it isn't easy... but hopefully, it's worth it

I hope...