Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I don't want to lose control

I've learned in the last couple of days that I am not willing ot accept change. I realize that everyone wants out of Utah as soon as possible, except for the canadians who can't wait to get in and take our place. But I just don't know. The one person who I want to hear this the most isn't ever going to read it because she has turned her back on this whole electronic world. But I for one am NOT ready to leave everything behind me. I mean sure, Things aren't perfect. but for once in my life, I'm happy with where I'm at... I guess I just don't want to lose that. I'm not afraid of change. I'm afraid that I can't control it.

I miss Mike and Sara... And Shamae, and Lance and Anthony, and Gaspar, and those countless other people who have left me stranded here in this desert wasteland. I'm not worried about growing up, in fact I embrace it. But I AM worried about loss. With Mike and Sara in Canada, and Jenesse perhaps going to Ireland for school, Brittany to S.U.U. and coutless other friends leaving. I'm afraid that when I get back from my mission i will find myself...

Alone.

Dispondent.

Dejected.

And abandoned.

Yeah I'm happy, but this crand new skin is wearing thin. And no one will ever know until it's gone. I heard a song today. and I miss the old days when we didn't have to worry about change or losing friends. I hate not being in control of my environment, I always have. And I've realized I have no say in an of this...


And it scares me to death.

3 comments:

Shexpeare said...

I know exactly how you feel.

Sara said...

CameroN

change happens. i know you dont want things to change because you cant control it. but nature is there, and things will happen that you cant control. no matter how scared you are or how mad you get that you dont have to power to do anything about it.
when you go on your mission things will change, change is innevitable in everyone's life... especially now when we are all growing up and moving on to do great things in our lives. everyone misses the old days when all we had to care about was... well really nothing at all.
but we arent young. we are growing up and change will happen no matter what you want or say. and if you dont want to lose control, as you so vividly describe you have to be able to adapt, learn to cope with new situations.

you can do it!

be happy:)

Shamae. said...

duh. i hate that feeling. *sigh*