People say that they understand, and that they know exactly how you feel. They say they're sorry, and ask if there is anything they can do to help. They say that they know how it feels to miss someone, and that you aren't the only one who has lost someone they loved. They say that they will be there for you, but they just don't realize that they aren't the one you want to be there comforting you. The one you miss is the only one who can help, but they aren't ever coming back. No one knows what it is like to really miss someone...
No one could possibly understand my pain. I truly am "walking down the boulevard of broken dreams." And I truly am "walking alone." There were so many things left to do, to experience. There were so many things left unsaid. There were so many dreams brutally battered, and the light of my hope was stamped out. Yes, other people have had losses as extreme as mine, but every situation is just a little bit different from the rest. Every person reacts just a little bit different. Every person has a different amount of capacity to deal with the loss. Some people, it completely breaks. Others, it strengthens. I wish so much that I could be one of those who finds greater strength from this.
Yet, I break down every time I see a picture, his face...or something else that reminds me of him. Every time someone mentions him, I want to put my fist through a mirror, because he's not here, by my side. I try so hard not to let it show. People really don't know how much I am breaking inside. I know he's better off, and much happier now, but I just don't want to let go. Because he was my stable ground, my guiding light, my beacon of hope for something better.
I see now that I took him for granted. I see now that I wasn't as good to him as I could have been. I was stupid, and selfish, and said things that hurt. But I also know that I made him happy. That I helped him feel that life was worth living. How do I know this? He showed me every day. His eyes would light up every time he saw me, he would smile and genuinely mean it, he didn't feel self-hatred and pity anymore. He had confidence, and was finally taking control of his life.
Yet, that's when everything went wrong. Why do we fall every time we finally feel like we are making progress? Why are we forced to take five steps back for every one step forward? I know the answer well, (he was even the one who did the most to help me understand it-another thing I miss...) and it is simple. Because we are being put through the fiery furnace to perfect ourselves. We cannot be made better and stronger by not having any opposing force in life. We can't learn what it is like to be godlike without experiencing a small portion of what He went through. We cannot expect to "glide naively through life, as if to say, Lord give me experience, but not grief, sorrow, pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences that made Thee what Thou art. Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy." -Neal A. Maxwell. I have learned this lesson a thousand times over.
Yet...in the end, it still hurts.
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2 comments:
of course it hurts, you are only human to experience that! if you didn't i would think that something really is wrong with you...lol....when you lose someone like you are explaining its only natural ro feel regret and sadness becasue of course you miss them!
there is one person who knows exactly how you feel, and thats Jesus. He knows how you feel becsaue he went through it just so he could help you get through this now.
i dont know who your talking about, or what is going on but no matter how many times you learn this lesson, it will always hurt.
but thats life. if you didnt feel sadness like this then you couldnt know what happiness was like either.
just hold on... u will be ok! :)
I hate when you make me cry, because these tears are real.
There is something so powerful in every word you have ever spoken to me that makes me want to be stronger. Better. Happier.
You have changed my life and the way I think about everything. These tears are burning my eyes, but they only make them fireproof.
I know I dont make sense and a blab and blab on, but I want you to know that I know I dont understand what you are going through, but I will let you know that I can feel your pain in ways you will NEVER EVER understand.
You are my hero Jenesse. You always will be. You stand tall and you are what I want to be. Even though you dont understand this because you will say that your selfish and harsh and stupid, but your really not. You are so wise.
You dont always have to be so strong you know.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I love you so very much because of all of the strength and love you have given me. I hope you will let me be there for you in your time of need, even when you dont think you need it.
Stay close to the Lord, he will help you through this emotionally. Let me hold you in my arms and dry your tears and I will help you get past the physical ailments of this woe.
You cant be strengthened before being broken first. Let me hold your broken pieces while your Savior mends you.
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